


Memoir of a Lover

by paperbluehyacinth (infiniteleecity)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, CEO Doyoung, JaeDo, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, ficfest, writer jaehyun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:55:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25954099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infiniteleecity/pseuds/paperbluehyacinth
Summary: In Neo City, life is encapsulated in a puzzle, happy memories making up each puzzle piece. Every individual has 10000 puzzle pieces but rarely, the 1% only has 7000.Jung Jaehyun, a struggling author, only has 11 memories left. He's resigned to giving up on life, even ignoring his editor's plea to release another book. But when a certain Kim Doyoung stumbles into his life, he struggles to hold on to the life he's soon to be losing.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Lee Taeyong/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 20
Kudos: 84
Collections: jaedo digest: vol. 2





	Memoir of a Lover

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: In a world not far from our own, memories are materialized into small puzzle pieces. Each individual has a 10000 piece puzzle which only they can see and can easily access that illustrates the happiest moment in their lives. Instead of their corpse, they turn into the finished puzzle piece.
> 
> Jaehyun is part of the 1 percent that only has 7000 pieces on his puzzle. The fewer the pieces, the earlier they die. Doyoung comes along, being the 6990th piece in his memory.
> 
> \---------  
> This is by far the longest one-shot I've written. This wasn't my first prompt choice but I ended up really liking writing this. I want to say thank you to all my alphas (joy & jc), and to my betas (two of which are in med-school so thank you for giving time to this) and of course, ohcanadaman who was patient with this fic despite the multiple errors. 
> 
> I hope you guys like this. I hope it won't be too sad. I'm sorry if it is.

**PRESENT**

Mark Lee leaned on his motorbike to inspect the remaining package that he has yet to deliver. It was his last delivery of the day even though it was only mid-morning. He opted for a morning schedule today, wanting to have his afternoon free so he could visit his brother. 

He looked at the address labeled on top of the box, finding it familiar. It was the address of his brother's editor. 

"Huh" Mark sounded, looking at the details of the sender. He shook his head seeing who it was from and jumped onto his motorbike, driving towards a very familiar neighborhood, where the destination of his last package would be. 

There was a knock on the door when Doyoung was washing the dishes. "Jeno, can you get that?" 

"Just a minute," Jeno answered. Doyoung didn't know if it was for the man at the door or for him. He managed to look back to see Jeno rushing towards the door almost tripping on the side of the table. "Be careful." Doyoung voiced out before going back to the dishes. 

"Yeah. Sorry" Jeno answered before opening the door. 

"Mark!" Jeno exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

Mark held up the box he was holding. “I have a delivery.” 

"For me?" Jeno asked. 

"No. For your brother." Mark peered into the house to check if Jeno's brother was there. 

"Does it need to be him that signs it?" Jeno asked. Mark nodded. "Well, he's just finishing the dishes. You can come in."

Mark followed Jeno to the living room. Despite having visited this house for as long as he remembered, Mark still felt the need to always be on his best behavior, especially if Jeno's brother was present. 

"Hey, Mark." Mark looked around to where the sound of the voice came from and saw Doyoung rounding the kitchen island.

"There's a delivery for you!" Mark said, gesturing to the table where he placed the package. 

"From who?" Doyoung asked as he wiped his hands dry. 

As he walked towards him, Doyoung noticed Mark stiffen, though he relaxed fast enough for Doyoung to question if he had imagined it. 

Mark smiled at him before answering, "I didn't check."

 _A lie_. Doyoung just nodded and asked where he had to sign. Mark produced a tablet and a stylus from his pocket and gave it to Doyoung. 

A few minutes later, Jeno walked out of his room, slinging his bag on his shoulder. "Mark, do you want to go to school together?" 

"Sure thing," Mark said, taking back the tablet and stylus from Doyoung. Once the transaction was over, Mark and Jeno bid goodbye to Doyoung and proceeded to go to school. 

Doyoung watched them leave, even waited to hear if they were out of the doorway before he checked out what the delivery was. If he was being honest, seeing Mark Lee today completely threw him off. He had known Mark from the moment he and Jeno became friends, but Mark felt different to him when he found out he was the brother of Jung Jaehyun (though they were only brothers in a sort of complicated way; they weren't related) and everything that made him remember Jaehyun just made his heart ache. 

He looked down at the box at the table, somewhat scared to open it. But he had to, only to pacify his need for the apartment to be organized. A box sitting on top of the table challenged the well-kept geometry of the apartment. Well, at least, that’s what he told himself. 

There was no note on top of the box. Only a return address from the sender. An address that wasn't familiar to Doyoung. He sliced open the top of the box and inside sat a black book. Hardcover. Nothing was written on the front. When he lifted the book, a package wrapped with brown paper was neatly tucked at the bottom of the box. A note was attached to it. 

_"I know you're curious, but can I trust you enough to read the book first before you unwrap this?"_

The writing was familiar.... too familiar, and though Doyoung was tempted he stopped himself. Instead, he removed the wrapped package from the box and hid it in his room. Hidden from his prying eyes and curious fingers. He returned to the living room, picked up the book, and opened it on the cover page. 

Scribbled on the blank page after the cover was:

> **_The last draft, checked and corrected by the editor. Awaiting approval for distribution._ **
> 
> **_Duly signed by,_ **
> 
> **_Seo Johnny_ **

_Johnny._

Now that was a familiar name. A name Doyoung thought he'd never hear of again. He was going to flip to the next page, eager when his phone started ringing. 

"Are you late? You're never late." Doyoung sighed as he heard his sound engineer at the other line. 

"Tae, I didn't plan on working today," Doyoung said. He made a mental note to ask his secretary if she had told Taeyong about his unscheduled, very last minute leave.

"Well, I didn't get the memo," Taeyong said, sounding annoyed. "I finished the song for your new game. I thought you'd want it today." 

Doyoung grunted. He looked at his schedule and there, written boldly with a red pen was Taeyong's deadline. _For today._

"Can I meet you at your office? I really don’t want to go to my office," Doyoung asked. 

"Sure. But your ex-boyfriend is there." Taeyong explained. "And I'm coming from your office so I might get there a little later," he added. 

"That's fine," Doyoung answered before grabbing his keys and heading towards Lee Taeyong's office. 

* * *

Lee Taeyong, simply put, made music. His latest investment was making music for games. Though he didn’t want to admit it, he only started creating music for games just because Kim Doyoung needed a sound engineer and wasn't able to afford anyone known in the field. Even if video games weren't his interest, he was the only one who could help his friend. They were best friends after all. It's what best friends do. 

When he got to his office after driving back from Doyoung's company, he could already hear the screaming from inside. 

Taeyong placed his fingers over his forehead, massaging the incoming headache away. 

_You really can't leave the two of them alone,_ he thought. 

"What are you two fighting about this time?" Taeyong asked when he walked through the door. 

"Did you know about this?" Yuta stood across the table from Doyoung, holding up a book. The latter, meanwhile, just sat on his seat massaging his temples, looking worn out and tired. 

Taeyong looked at the book Yuta was holding up, identifying it to be able to answer Yuta's question. 

"What's that?" Taeyong asked.

Doyoung answered before Yuta could, “It’s just a book.” 

"It's not _just a book._ It's from Jaehyun," Yuta argued. Doyoung looked surprised for a minute but quickly schooled his expression into a mild curiosity. 

"How do you even know that?" Doyoung asked, almost pleadingly, as if he wanted Yuta to be joking. 

"How can I not know? I was there when Jae—"

"Yuta!" Taeyong interrupted. Yuta cuts off at the voice that Taeyong used. The voice that meant that Yuta should listen, and Yuta should stop whatever he was going to say because there would be consequences that he wouldn't be able to explain.

"He doesn't know," Taeyong told Yuta. 

"What do you mean?" Yuta asked. 

"Jaehyun never said anything to him," Taeyong said. Yuta looked from Taeyong to Doyoung. Doyoung stared at his two friends wondering what the hell they were talking about and if they remembered that he was still there. 

"What are you two on about?" Doyoung argued, not wanting to be left out on whatever inside thing his two best friends were keeping from him.

"You probably should read the book," Taeyong said, crossing his office to reach Yuta. He instructed Yuta to leave the book on the table and subsequently, they left Doyoung alone with no explanation. 

Doyoung cursed under his breath at his friend's abrupt departure but picked up the book anyway. He skipped the blank page and came face to face with the cover page. 

There it was -- the answer as to whose book this was. On the cover page, it read: 

_I'll Remember you on the Last Day of Spring (A Memoir of a Lover)_

_Jung Jaehyun_

Doyoung wanted to throw it out, not wanting to hear the apologies etched between the nicely written words. He wanted to hate Jaehyun. But more than that he needed the answers that Taeyong had implied were in this book. So, taking a deep breath, he flipped another page. He looked at the table of contents and read through the titles. It had 11 chapters, numbered from 6990 - 7000, and the chapter titles were more like paragraphs. Doyoung was afraid to start it, suddenly feeling a sense of dread, like he knew what was lying in the words ahead. Taking a deep breath, he flipped to the first page. 

* * *

**_6990\. Let's just say that though the first time I met you was highly unsuccessful, I at least got to know how beautiful the color of your eyes was. That's a start I guess._ **

_The first time I met important people in my life were very much memorable, but the happiest moments nonetheless. I met Lee Taeyong in the canteen at the university, almost (I repeat, almost) breaking his music equipment when I spilled my juice all over them. Johnny, my editor, and self-proclaimed best friend, I met when we were suing each other (with the meager allowances we had) when we crashed into each other's cars at the dormitory parking lot. (We settled it was neither and both our faults which just confused the police enough for them to just let us both go.) Mark, meanwhile, I met at the underside of an overpass, getting beat up by a group of teenagers, prejudiced to believe that a boy with no parents is lesser a person than they are, so I pretended I was his older brother and took him in. Eventually, pretense became reality. (You would later say to me that that was the most heroic thing you ever heard a person do. But that's a story for another chapter.)_

_When I met you though, there wasn't that little fireworks display, or an orchestra playing at the back of my head. Instead, we had a poet on the stage, talking about, coincidentally, his failure of trying to win his first love, yet I had a feeling._

_A feeling that you, Kim Doyoung, would be the death of me. And I don't mean that lightly._

* * *

**January 22**

"Jaehyun, let's just be friends right now. I'm speaking to you as a friend." Johnny heard Jaehyun scoff from the other line of the phone call. "I'm serious, Jae!" Johnny insisted. "You need to get up your ass and write a new book."

Jaehyun whined, "I just don't have it in me right now, Johnny."

Johnny rolled his eyes and bit the inside of his cheeks to stop himself from nagging Jaehyun for acting like a child.

"Jae, your contract is dependent on you releasing a book. I can't keep fighting my bosses to keep you employed in our company if you don't release anything," Johnny argued.

" _And you're sounding like an editor again._ " Jaehyun sang to spite Johnny off. 

"Okay!" Johnny settled. "As a friend, I tell you to at least think about your brother." Johnny knew this phone call would end badly, but the other routes he tried were futile. They said the hard way is the best, and that is the way Johnny would take. 

"What does Mark have to do with this now?" Jaehyun asked, his anger starting to rise. 

"He's in the middle of university, works as a delivery man, delivering either at 7 am or 10 pm, just so he can feed himself and his brother because said brother isn't doing anything to keep his job," Johnny said. "Your royalties from the first book will only get you so far, Jae. You need something more. Mark needs something more from you," he added. 

"Goddammit, Johnny."

Johnny waited for a breath or two before speaking again. "I'll give you a year, Jae. If you don't give me a book by the end of the year I have no choice but to end your contract."

Jaehyun waited for the call to end before releasing a frustrated grunt. He doesn't even know if he'd last a year. 

"You alright?" Mark asked, looking into his brother's room. Jaehyun took a deep breath and assured Mark that he was fine. Mark released a disbelieving laugh but didn't question his brother. Instead, he invited Jaehyun to eat breakfast with him. _A rare sight._

They hadn't had breakfast together in a while. 

"Is Johnny giving you a hard time about the book again?" Mark asked when Jaehyun took a seat across from him.

"It's always about the book," Jaehyun muttered. 

Mark took a sip from his glass of water before asking, “Have you started?”

Jaehyun shook his head. "I don't know where to start," he admitted. Mark sighed and put his fork done. 

One of the rules they set for each other for peaceful cohabitation is not minding each other's work. They choose the job they want to work on without having the other person question it. Sometimes Mark likes to break the rules, only because Jaehyun is quick to forgive him. 

"Why don't you start by getting out of the house?" Mark started. "You won't be able to write anything seeing only these four walls of the apartment. Unless of course, you're writing about the walls of the apartment," Mark joked. "You need to find inspiration and this is not the place to find it." 

Jaehyun raised a brow at his brother. "Why do I feel like there's an invitation coming?" he asked.

Mark didn't look up at him, a habit of Mark's that confirmed his assumptions.

"What is this you're inviting me to?" Jaehyun asked.

Mark sighed in defeat, knowing he wouldn't be able to get out of this one anyways. 

"Yukhei has poetry reading tonight. I thought it would be nice to visit your number one fan." Mark said. "He doesn't need me there. He'd do great on his own." Jaehyun said, looking for an excuse to not go out. 

"You inspired him to write. It'll be a huge support having you there for him." Mark insisted. "And being there for you too?" Jaehyun teased. Mark looked away at this time. 

Jaehyun laughed seeing the tinge of red creep onto Mark's cheeks. 

"I'll think about it," Jaehyun answered. Mark smiled happily knowing that this was progress enough. 

Making Jaehyun say yes would be a grueling battle, but him saying he'll think about it means Mark already broke down the first barrier. 

* * *

Doyoung doesn't remember the last time he left his office. After the success of the first game he released, there was pressure to release another one, better than the first. To achieve that, Doyoung wasted no time. Plans were laid, meetings were held, and different parts of the project were distributed to the appropriate people. They needed this and they needed to work hard on it. 

_A knock on the door._

Doyoung didn't look up. He didn't care or he just didn't hear it. He also didn't notice the door opening and his brother peering inside his office.

"Hello?" At the sound of a familiar voice, Doyoung glanced up. He saw Jeno looking inside his office waiting to be noticed by him. "Jeno!" Doyoung started, fixing his things. Jeno tended to be very curious whenever he saw the plans for the next game. This resulted in millions of questions that Doyoung couldn't answer. Company rule: nothing about any game that is in pre-production would come out. Even if the company was made for Jeno and his love for games, Doyoung followed his rules to the tee; he wouldn't break that vow, even for Jeno. 

"What are you doing here?" Doyoung asked, hiding the folder he was studying under a stack of useless papers. Jeno smirked at the action. 

"I was tasked to get you out of your office," Jeno answered. 

Doyoung leaned back on his chair with interest, wondering what his brother was planning on doing to get him out of his office. 

It was a hard task. When Doyoung decided to work, he worked and hardly anything could distract him from doing so. 

"There's an open mic night tonight and I'm performing." Jeno started. He stopped to gauge Doyoung’s reaction. Doyoung sighed and Jeno smiled because he knew he was successful. Doyoung never missed any of his performances. "Yukhei is also doing his poetry thing," Jeno added. He saw Doyoung frown in defeat.

"Fine! I'll be there." Doyoung surrendered. 

"I'll text you the details! And call you an hour before the gig," Jeno said, halfway out the door, probably already telling Yukhei the good news. With a last sigh of defeat, Doyoung went back to his work, determined to finish as much as he could before he had to leave for the night. 

* * *

Jaehyun's phone rang with a dozen messages from his brother reminding him about tonight and asking him if he had made up his mind about going already.

Jaehyun didn't need to think about it. He knew what his answer would be: _no_. When he had started rewatching the three spin-offs of CSI from the very beginning though, Jaehyun realized that Mark was probably right - he needed to get out of the house. 

There was no inspiration in this house, and as much as Jaehyun wanted to deny it, he knew that he needed the inspiration to write a new book. At least, he thought, the book would be able to make enough money to leave for Mark when he's gone. It was the most Jaehyun could do for his brother, and to be able to do that, he needed to get up and force himself to start writing. Grabbing his keys and his jacket, he started towards the door. 

* * *

"You made it." Jaehyun heard as he walked inside the cafe. He noticed only a few people were inside and wondered if the cafe was open just for the open mic. 

Staff was scarce, and Yukhei and another boy, who looked somewhat like Mark's friend Jeno, were the only people on the make-shift stage. 

Mark, who was sitting at a table near the stage, waved at him. When Jaehyun failed to walk towards Mark, glued just by the door, the latter instead made his way to Jaehyun, squeezing Jaehyun's shoulder as if to assure him he made the right choice. 

"I thought I'd be disappointed," Mark said, guiding Jaehyun to an empty table.

"Why isn't anyone here yet?" Jaehyun asked, addressing the lack of people.

"The organizers of the open mic reserved the whole place for tonight. It doesn't start until half an hour. Are you hungry?" Mark asked, already passing Jaehyun a menu. Jaehyun scanned it, to see if there was something he could eat that would fill him but it was all just finger-food. 

"I'll just get a burger and fries," Jaehyun answered. Mark nodded and ordered for his older brother, adding a glass of iced tea before joining Yukhei again on stage, helping him set-up. Jaehyun, meanwhile, sat awkwardly at the table, nibbling on his fries, waiting for the open mic to begin.

* * *

When his secretary came knocking at his door a little past 7 pm, reminding him that his little brother was expecting him tonight, Doyoung realized that he’d forgot about the open mic. He cursed under his breath, and immediately shoved his things in his bag and rushed towards the parking lot to his car. 

As soon as he got to the cafe, he immediately made his way to where his brother and Yukhei were and started apologizing for being late. Yukhei waved it off, saying he really didn’t miss anything. Jeno, though, was a little hesitant in saying he was fine, and Doyoung already knew he probably needed to make up for it. Doyoung spotted his friend’s table a little close to the stage and decided to join them after neither Jeno nor Yukhei had anything more to say to him. 

* * *

Despite experiencing it for the past 6,989 times, Jaehyun could never get used to the blinding light that followed when a memory sealed itself as a puzzle piece. It sometimes threw him off guard because he was never ready for it. 

Growing up, Jaehyun forced himself to not go out often because not going out meant not experiencing anything that could be a memory. Since memories rarely came, Jaehyun rarely experienced the blinding light. So when he did, it wasn't a pleasurable experience. 

It came to him when Yukhei was getting ready to get on stage. 

"You're late," Taeyong said to the dark-haired stranger walking towards their table. 

Mark was talking to Jaehyun then, so it took him a while to realize there was another person at the table.

"I know. I lost track of time," the new person said. 

"Don't you always?" Jaehyun heard Taeyong's boyfriend, who he remembered was named Yuta, said.

"Did I miss any memorable performances?" By the time the new guy asked this, Mark had already left and started making his way closer to the stage to take a picture of Yukhei’s performance.

"Well, Yukhei is next and Jeno after him so you're not too late"The newcomer sighed in relief.

"Lucky you." Yuta teased. Taeyong laughed, looking over at Jaehyun and expecting him to join in, but stopped when he realized that Jaehyun probably didn't know whoever it was that came to the table.

"Oh right!" Taeyong exclaimed. "This is Jaehyun," Taeyong said, pointing to him. 

Jaehyun looked up, only just then noticing the new guy at the table. The new guy smiled, but the only thing that Jaehyun thought was, _those are the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen_ , and before he could get ready, a white light flashed through his eyes, causing him to drop the glass he was drinking from. 

"I'm sorry," Jaehyun apologized instinctively when the light had dimmed enough for him to come back to his senses.

"It's fine, Jae. We'll get the staff to clean it up." Taeyong said.

"I have to go," Jaehyun said in a whisper, only for Taeyong to hear. 

"Yukhei isn't even done yet," Taeyong argued, making sure Jaehyun didn't leave.

"I need to," Jaehyun insisted, because he knew that if he stayed, the mystery guy could trigger more of his memories. He could be dead tomorrow because of him and he still didn't even know the guy’s name. 

"Tell Mark I needed to go," Jaehyun pleaded. He grabbed his jacket and his keys and rushed out of the cafe. 

* * *

Memories, Jaehyun realized, worked in mysterious ways. Because as far as he knew, nothing about meeting that mystery guy was happy, but it etched itself in his mind still; his mind deciding for him what was happy and what wasn't. It only meant one thing: Whoever he was, he would make Jaehyun happy and whenever that happens, his mind would immediately consider the first meeting a happy meeting. 

Now Jaehyun was scared because he now only had 10 memories left, and somehow, the mystery guy would be helping to fill up the pieces. 

* * *

_I don’t believe in love at first sight. What I do believe in though is that you can know who’ll influence your life even only a second after you’ve met them._

_You were one of those people, Kim Doyoung. That made me panic. It made me want to run off to another country, move out because anywhere without you would be a safe place. But the week that preceded our second meeting, you were the only thing I thought about._

_Your eyes plagued my dreams and I hated that I didn't even catch your name. I wondered if you said it throughout my whole internal panic attack and I just didn't hear it. When we met the second time, you were kind enough to introduce yourself again._

* * *

**_6991.That stupid coffee. Stupid, stupid coffee! Okay maybe the coffee wasn't so bad, but the universe could've given me a warning. Thank god you're cool enough for my internal panicking and you even gave me your number._ **

_I blamed Mark for our first meeting. When he found out that I left early (not even finishing Yukhei's piece about him winning his first love), he immediately made it his job to pry out the information of why I left early. I told him the reason because I always tell him everything._

_He laughed. It wasn't the reaction I was expecting, though his laugh sounded strained as if there was fear that was driving the laugh out._

_I was scared too. I never was before, already resigned to living a short life, but after I met you, I found something I wanted to live for._

_The thing is, no matter how many times Mark pleaded not to blame him for what happened, I did blame him (and he conceded on this one) for the second time we met._

_He wanted coffee from the bakery down the street. (It was partially my fault for not buying coffee packs for the week, but our coffee used to last for at least a month, so I still blame Mark for drinking too much coffee.)_

_Just as I was paying for both our cups of coffee, there you were Kim Doyoung, walking inside the bakery. You should've waited for a few more minutes when I was gone._

_The thing is, you didn't need to strike a conversation, and you really didn't need to invite me for lunch, so maybe I blame you a little too._

* * *

**January 29**

"Jae!" Jaehyun raised his head from his desk where he fell asleep. He massaged his neck as he walked out of the room towards the sound of the voice calling him. Mark didn't notice him come out, still busy rummaging through the drawers.

"We don't have coffee," Mark said looking up at him. 

Jaehyun stared at him surprised. “But I just bought some last week,” he argued.

"It's finals week. I drink two times more coffee." Mark released, sounding rather annoyed as if Jaehyun should’ve known this. 

Jaehyun didn't.

"Look, Mark," Jaehyun started, "there's a bakery just a few walks away. Go buy some coffee there."

"But if I stop studying I'll lose motivation to continue studying," Mark said. Jaehyun sighed at the underlying request behind that, telling Jaehyun that it was his responsibility to buy coffee for Mark. 

Jaehyun huffed in annoyance but he gave in, knowing it'd be better to go down to the bakery without arguing than listen to Mark complain again about how he left the night of the open mic, making him guilty enough so he would concede and buy coffee anyways. 

"Buy me some cinnamon bread too!" Jaehyun heard Mark shout before the door clicked shut behind him. 

* * *

"That'll be $12." Jaehyun rummaged through his pocket for change. He was just about to place the coins on the counter when he heard the bells on the front entrance ring. 

"Hey,” someone said beside him. Jaehyun didn't respond. He was busy collecting the cinnamon bread, the two cups of coffee, and the bag of coffee packets. He just assumed anyway that it wasn’t him they were talking to. 

"It's Jaehyun right?" Jaehyun looked up. He swore he must be dreaming because those were the same brown eyes he kept dreaming about. He almost dropped his coffee. 

"I don't know if I should be insulted that every time we meet you seem to be dropping something." 

Jaehyun cursed inside because how the hell can he have gorgeous looking eyes but also a smile that can compete. "I'm sorry," is what Jaehyun found himself saying. 

"I'm Doyoung. Kim Doyoung" is what he said. 

"What?" Jaehyun asked.

"I just assumed that you probably didn't catch my name the other day so I'm introducing myself again," Doyoung explained. 

Doyoung then proceeded to lightly hold onto Jaehyun's elbows leading him away from the front of the counter because the line behind them was growing and Jaehyun was too busy processing this man in front of him to move. 

_Kim Doyoung._

Jaehyun repeated it over and over in his head so that he would get used to it so that he wouldn't forget it. Distracted by this, Jaehyun barely noticed the flash of white light passing through his eyes. 

_Another memory._

"Hey, are you alright?" Kim Doyoung asked. "You look kind of pale." 

"I'm fine," Jaehyun abruptly said, causing Doyoung to step back a little, thinking he might have done something wrong. It was barely noticeable but Jaehyun noticed anyway.

"I know this is random but do you want to grab some lunch?" Doyoung asked, somehow nervously. Jaehyun didn’t respond. Doyoung chuckled a little as if thinking himself foolish.

Jaehyun thought so too. _Who would suddenly ask someone they just met once before if they were available for lunch?_

That was when Jaehyun realized that ever since Doyoung came in, he hadn’t reached for anything around the bakery. Jaehyun noticed that Doyoung went straight to him. It seemed as if he was there for Jaehyun, and to talk to him. Jaehyun shook the thought away, now the one feeling foolish. 

"It is barely breakfast," Jaehyun said, looking for ways to get out of this invitation. He knew though that that was a bad excuse because it was almost 11 am, way past breakfast, and Jaehyun knew that Doyoung knew that too.

"I was just hoping you'd accompany me to lunch with Yukhei and Jeno. I mean, I think I'd rather enjoy your company than be stuck with those two." Doyoung admitted. "I mean they're great really. But the age gap and all. I can't relate to them anymore." Doyoung rectified. 

"I'm sorry. I have to bring this back to Mark." Jaehyun said, feeling the heat of the two coffee cups start to burn through his skin. He put it down first. 

Doyoung just nodded, looking nervous, and fidgety as if he had something else to say but can't quite say it. 

"Tell Yukhei and Jeno I'm sorry I missed their show. Jeno especially." Jaehyun remarked. Jaehyun knew he didn't need to say this. He already apologized to Yukhei and he didn't need to apologize to Jeno, because as far as he knew he was only known as Mark's brother to Jeno, but somehow Jaehyun wanted Doyoung to go back to the two younger guys carrying something of his even if it was just his words. 

Doyoung brightened hearing these words as if he was happy Jaehyun was carrying on the conversation even if Jaehyun needed to go.

"You know Jeno?" Doyoung asked. 

"He's Mark's friend," Jaehyun answered.

Doyoung nodded guiltily like he should've known. "Well, Jeno does have another performance this weekend. Do you want to come?" Jaehyun noticed how Doyoung stopped abruptly, words left unspoken still sitting on the tip of his tongue. 

Jaehyun imagined that Doyoung stopped himself from uttering _'with me'_. He was glad he did because right now Jaehyun doesn't know what to do with Kim Doyoung. 

"I'll think about it."

Doyoung's shoulders slumped in disappointment and Jaehyun wanted to explain that that was his default answer. 

That getting 'I'll think about it' as an answer was something most of his friends couldn't even achieve. 

In the end, Doyoung nodded in understanding. 

"If you have thought about it, or need help thinking about it..." he stopped, retrieving a card from his pocket and a pen from the counter. He wrote something on it before handing it to Jaehyun. "You should call me," Doyoung added after. 

* * *

When Jaehyun got back to the apartment and gave Mark his coffee and bread, ignoring his questioning stare of what took him so long, he immediately pulled out the card from his pocket, noticing it was a business card. Kim Doyoung's business card with his number printed on the front, and his number, again, scribbled on the back. 

* * *

_I failed to realize that seeing you in my memory meant that you might've also seen me in yours. It was only later when I pointed out your insistence of meeting me again to Mark that he mentioned that might have been the case._

_He also mentioned that you might have been nervous, hence not noticing you were writing your number on a business card that already had your number on it. But it showed me persistence. Because you would've given me the card as is, but instead you chose to do an extra thing and write it down, exerting energy on something that had no use anyways._

_It showed me just how much you wanted to see me and even though I didn't call you to tell you that I was going to Jeno's performance, you expected me anyways._

* * *

**_6992\. I was so ready to flee the scene when I saw you on the other side of the room smiling and encouraging your younger brother. But at the exact moment, you looked up and found me. The way you looked at me anchored me to stay._ **

_They said that most of the happy memories you'll have in your life happen when you fall in love. That's exactly why I tried not to. I ignored every invitation, shielded my heart from temptation, and subjected my life to heartbreak because I didn't want to create memories that will only result in sadness in the end._

_I didn't know when exactly I realized I was in love with you, Kim Doyoung, but I would say, seeing you during your brother's performance would forever be my favorite memory._

* * *

**February 1**

"He got you to go out?" Mark asked in the living room, looking wide-eyed at his brother who had been asking if the tie suited the rest of his ensemble.

"Why is this such a big deal to you?" Jaehyun asked, still unsure about the tie. 

"Because it is! Because you never go out unless you need to." Mark replied, bouncing on Jaehyun’s bed, feeling much more excited than his brother. 

"What if I need this?" 

Mark rolled his eyes. "Yes you do, but admit it, you want it more than you need it." 

"Aren't you going?" Jaehyun asked instead, so as not to confirm his brother's statement. 

"Yeah. But it starts at 7. We're all planning to head there by 6:45" Mark answered. 

"Doyoung said to meet me at six," Jaehyun remarked, very confused. 

"Maybe he wanted to see you before everybody did? Especially now that you're dressing up," Mark teased. 

Jaehyun sneered at his brother, ignoring the heat creeping to his cheeks. 

"So does the tie match?" Jaehyun asked, trying to go back to his original objective. 

"Lose the tie," Mark said. "You'll look more expensive."

Jaehyun gave his brother a disbelieving glare at his choice of words but decided not to question it, throwing the tie on his bed. 

* * *

Jaehyun couldn't count how many times he wiped his palms on his jeans. He was nervous and no matter how many times he berated himself for being nervous because there wasn't a reason to be, he still was. 

Doyoung didn't see him when he entered the venue. He was talking to Jeno just across the room and Jaehyun watched how they interacted. How Jeno looked nervous, but Doyoung had a hand on his shoulder, reassuringly. How Doyoung smiled at his brother, mouthing the words, " _you got this_ " and " _I'm proud of you nevertheless._ "

It was enough for Jeno to hear these words to calm him down. Jaehyun wondered if there’d be a time he’d fall victim to the words of Kim Doyoung, though he felt he was already starting to. 

It was Jeno who saw him first. 

Jeno smiled shyly at Jaehyun, and teasingly at his brother before he told Doyoung that Jaehyun was already there. 

"We're here early," Jaehyun said when Doyoung got to his spot, his voice still shaking from nerves. Doyoung didn't notice, or maybe he did but was too kind to not point it out. 

"I was making up for being late the last time," Doyoung said before putting his hand lightly on his elbow again and guiding him to one of the empty tables. "I do hope it's fine. I asked you here earlier. I just thought that if I told you the exact time, I wouldn't have enough alone time with you." Doyoung admitted. 

"I don't come late" Jaehyun attempted to tease. "But you don't come early either right?" Doyoung asked. 

Jaehyun looked down at his drink, swirling the ice with his metal straw. "Only for special occasions." Jaehyun attempted to tease. Doyoung gave him a sweet smile trying not to ask if today was a special occasion, and Jaehyun gave him a shy smile back, trying not to answer that it was. 

* * *

Jaehyun didn't notice Mark come in. He also didn't realize that people started arriving. His focus was on Doyoung. All of Jaehyun’s senses focused solely on Doyoung. He didn't even notice the flash of white. 

Jaehyun noticed the way Doyoung's brow furrowed when he was trying to recall a memory, or how Doyoung snapped his fingers trying to remember something he shouldn't have forgotten. Jaehyun also noticed how Doyoung would stop a story if he forgot to say something important in the middle, and restart telling the story when he remembered. He noticed how when Doyoung laughed he'd throw his head back, mouth wide open, releasing a peal of very melodic laughter. Jaehyun noticed Kim Doyoung and only him, the music that was starting on stage merely a backdrop. He suddenly had a feeling of wanting to get to know Doyoung more, to spend more time with him so he'd learn all his habits and his quirks. Jaehyun thought that if this was what it was like to fall in love, then he'd take it. Including all the happy memories that'd come with it. 

He was happy. Kim Doyoung made him happy. 

"I'd like to dedicate the next song to my brother, Kim Doyoung." Jaehyun looked up at the stage where Jeno was standing. "It's his birthday today, and I know I should be giving the gift, but I’d like to ask for something instead." Jeno looked at Doyoung. 

The lights were on their table, and Jaehyun suddenly felt self-conscious because only he and Doyoung were sharing the table. 

Doyoung nodded, answering, "as long as I can afford it," which earned a laugh from the crowd. 

"Don't worry it's free," Jeno answered. "This next song is a song I wrote with him. It was the first song that we wrote together and the song that inspired us to venture into the gaming industry even though it was risky." Jeno started. "So I want him to join me on stage and sing this with me"

The crowd started to cheer, shouting for Doyoung to go to the stage. It didn't take long before he did. The lights left their table and focused on the stage and once again, Jaehyun focused on Kim Doyoung. 

* * *

_Mark insisted on staying with Jeno that night, so I drove you all the way to your place. The boys were too tired to do anything else so they went straight to bed. We, however, stayed awake, sipping the remaining apple juice in your fridge._

_I berated you for not telling me it was your birthday; I could've gotten you something, but you told me you didn't need much anyway and that being with me was enough of a gift already._

_So I asked you for something instead: a song._

_You sang to me that night, using your old guitar, too small for you already, in your living room, until the sun started rising and we eventually fell asleep on the sofa._

_I don't remember much of that night, but I remembered the song, your voice, and of course, the image of you sleeping on the floor hugging your guitar._

* * *

**_6993\. So you called me sounding excited. And that wasn't an exaggeration either. The only thing you said in that phone call though is that you wanted to meet me. I was afraid that your excitement would be toxic. It was._ **

_Because of the number of times you appeared in my memory for the first two months of 2019, I no longer recognized the flash of white light. You had been the distraction I needed to not notice it. It should have been scary, especially to me who was counting down the last of my memories, to not be warned when one came up but it wasn't._

_Not when I was around you._

_With you, I wasn't worried about how many memories were left. Instead, I looked forward to how many more memories I'd have with you._

* * *

**February 14**

“I can't believe I didn't recognize you. I mean how many Jung Jaehyuns are there.” The phone call started with this. No good mornings, no ‘how are you doing’. Just that, and Jaehyun was confused.

“Calm down, Kim Doyoung. I don't understand,” he answered. Jaehyun heard Doyoung laugh on the other line as if embarrassed by himself. 

“The book,” Doyoung said as if that explained anything.

“I still don't get it,” Jaehyun answered. 

“I should've said your book,” Doyoung replied, somewhat guilty. “ _The Assassin and His Favourite Cup of Coffee,_ ” he added in case Jaehyun still didn't get it.

Hearing the title of his first book, Jaehyun laughed. “Yeah. That's me,” he answered. 

“I love that book! I usually read that to Jeno when he was going to sleep,”Doyoung exclaimed.

Jaehyun wondered how Doyoung sounded reading his book — if he made voices when he read for the characters, emoted when the book specified a certain feeling. 

“You do know that's a mystery book right? Not the best bedtime story,” Jaehyun remarked. 

“I think Jeno just found me boring,” Doyoung said, and Jaehyun laughed at how ridiculous that sounded because he couldn't imagine Doyoung being boring. 

_God, he liked this man too much and he wasn't even doing anything to stop it_ Jaehyun thought.

Doyoung found himself laughing too because Jaehyun's laugh was contagious and Doyoung wanted to enjoy that moment with him. 

“Can I ask a favor of you?” Doyoung asked.

“Sure,” Jaehyun said.

“You sure? You're not busy or anything?”

“No,” is what Jaehyun said. _Not for you, never for you_ , was what he wanted to add. 

Jaehyun suddenly wondered when he decided he'd give up everything for this man he was talking to. 

“Can you come to my office?” Doyoung asked.

“Yes!” Jaehyun exclaimed, followed by a quieter, “Sure,” thinking he had sounded too excited. Maybe he was.

Going to Doyoung's workplace would be going to a place he spends most of his time in and Jaehyun liked the idea of getting to know the life of Kim Doyoung little by little. He liked the idea of being part of the story that was Kim Doyoung. 

“Okay. I'll send you the address.” Jaehyun was sure Doyoung sounded excited too, and maybe he was. 

* * *

Jaehyun realized one thing about Doyoung when he arrived at the latter's office: Doyoung was clean. Somehow Jaehyun felt embarrassed. 

Jaehyun couldn't help but compare his workplace, which is anywhere in his house where he could write, to Doyoung's organized, properly designed two-floor office. 

"This place is amazing," he found himself saying. If Jaehyun didn't know that this was Doyoung's office, he would have assumed it was a clubhouse. It had the televisions, the gaming consoles, the red and yellow coaches, and chairs littered around the room. 

Looking everywhere, Jaehyun suddenly believed that this was why Doyoung succeeded, and how he was able to continue succeeding. 

He was jealous. He had always believed that he had done great things in life, but comparing his life with the state of Doyoung's office, he suddenly felt that his achievements weren't that big of a deal. (He also knew that wasn't a fair comparison, but he compared anyways.)

Maybe it showed on his face, because Doyoung cleared his throat to catch Jaehyun’s attention and smiled at Jaehyun knowingly as if everything Jaehyun thought he’d said out loud. Jaehyun wondered if he did. 

"You have a great office here." Jaehyun tried not to sound too envious. 

"Yuta, my ex-boyfriend," Doyoung started. _Wasn't Yuta Taeyong's boyfriend?_ Jaehyun thought. "Well, he's an architect," Doyoung continued not noticing that Jaehyun had been distracted. "And he had this big belief that to be successful in whatever you do, you have to have a work environment where success will grow. He designed all this," Doyoung said. 

"That's nice of him." Jaehyun just said. He was already thinking about what to do with his workplace, but decided nothing could be done. It wasn't like he was going to live long enough to use it anyways. 

Doyoung watched him and waited until Jaehyun was ready. He didn't know what for, but Doyoung was silent for a while. 

Jaehyun took in the silence a couple of minutes later, turning back to Doyoung remembering he had a favor he wanted to ask of him. "What did you want me to do for you, again?" Jaehyun voiced out. 

Doyoung looked at him wide-eyed as if just remembering as well. He made his way towards the back of his desk and took something from one of the bottom drawers. When Doyoung emerged from behind the table, he was holding a book. Jaehyun’s book. 

"Can you sign my book for me?"

Jaehyun laughed unexpectedly. Doyoung grinned, shy but looking excited. 

"I can't believe you dragged me all the way here just for me to sign your book," Jaehyun remarked. He was still giggling.

"This is one of my favorite books. Besides, it's like a dream come true meeting the author," Doyoung explained. 

"I'm sorry you didn't have those fanboy moments when you met me," Jaehyun commented. 

Doyoung shrugged. "I think whatever this is," gesturing to both of them, "is better than any fanboy moment," he finished. 

Jaehyun walked towards him and took the book. Doyoung held up a pen to him. 

"What do you want me to write?" Jaehyun asked. 

"Surprise me," Doyoung answered. 

Jaehyun eyed him suspiciously but nodded. 

"Want to pretend to be boss and sit in my chair?" Doyoung asked. 

"The wingback looks more comfortable," Jaehyun said pointing at one of the chairs. Doyoung looked around wondering which one he was talking about. 

"What the hell is a wingback?"

Jaehyun laughed and walked towards it, eventually sitting down on it. "It's a type of chair. I researched about chairs when I was writing about Mr. Prouvaire's favorite chair, the one he drinks his coffee in."

The mention of the book and the characters in it, Doyoung grew another level-excited. 

"Can you tell me more about the book? What inspired it?" Doyoung suddenly asked, dragging his office chair closer to Jaehyun. 

"You know I usually get paid when I answer questions about my book," Jaehyun said. 

"I'll buy you dinner?" Doyoung suggested. 

Jaehyun thought about it for a while and then shrugged, eventually agreeing. 

"Anyways, the reason why we moved to our current place right now is because Mark became afraid of our next-door neighbor. He would sit on his chair, and sip coffee, and stare outside. Mark was paranoid he was watching us." 

Doyoung smiled as he listened. 

"Our neighbor was kind of old, half-French. Mark was a little sensitive to foreigners. He was nine." 

"Then?"

Then, Jaehyun continued talking about the book and answering the questions asked about it. They didn't even realize the sun had set when they finished talking. 

* * *

Doyoung was only able to check what Jaehyun wrote when he got home. When the sun started setting, he decided to invite Jaehyun to dinner, and there was no time in between that to take a peek at the book. Doyoung wondered if Jaehyun knew he might take a look inside the book, that that was why he kept Doyoung busy. 

He ignored Jeno, who was in the living room playing a video-game, and sat in a chair behind his brother. Doyoung took out the book, perused the cover first as if he had only just bought it, and finally flipped to the first page where Jaehyun wrote his note. 

_I hope that like Mr. Prouvaire, you only see the good of the world, despite whatever bad it throws at you. I hope you always find a reason to keep going and to keep smiling. You’re beautiful when you smile. I thought you should know that. - Jung Jaehyun_

“Had a good day?” Doyoung looked up from the book and saw Jeno watching him. “Quite,” Doyoung answered, finding a reason to smile. 

* * *

_Mark always made sure that my birthdays would be the best. He'd throw me a big party and invite all the important people in my life though there weren’t many. When he found out that I only had 10 memories left, he stopped himself from throwing me a party this year because he didn't want a memory he caused to appear in my mind and push me closer to the moment he would no longer have me._

_What we didn't expect was you, Kim Doyoung, to enter my life. You see, when the universe gave us a way to find out how we die, it permitted itself to interfere with our lives, and all I can say was that the universe loves tradition._

_Having always had the best birthdays, the universe couldn't not let me have one this year. There I was, in your office, signing your copy of my book, enjoying the best birthday I could have._

* * *

**_6994\. I told you about how Johnny was pressuring me to write a new book. It was mostly my way of asking for advice on how to start it, but you took me to a furniture shop instead._ **

_The first time I saw you not smile or act carefree was when you were working. And coincidentally, what you were working on then was my apartment. When I saw you practically remove and rearrange the whole place, I started thinking of a future with the two of us. I was happy. We were always happy even in the little bits I vaguely remember. Maybe because I can never actually associate us with sadness. From that day on, I had always dreamed of our future together just because I knew it will never come to life. It appeased me, you see, to have something a part of me that shared a future with you. Even if it was only my dreams._

* * *

**March 26**

"I finally have a free day today," Doyoung said through the phone. Talking to Doyoung via call made Jaehyun realized how much he disliked text messaging. There was just something so special in hearing someone's voice especially if they weren't physically there to share the moment with. 

It made it feel like they were together; text messaging just felt distant. 

"You finished your game?" Jaehyun asked about the reason they hadn’t seen each other in more than a month. 

"It's currently under beta testing. So since I'm just waiting, I have free time." Doyoung responded with an underlying request lacing his answers; _'I have free time today, please join me in wasting this day together.'_

Jaehyun found himself smiling at the unsaid request but remembered what he had to do that day, Jaehyun sighed in defeat, knowing he couldn't accept the invitation even if he badly wanted to.

"I can't," Jaehyun started slowly. Even though Jaehyun couldn't see it, he felt Doyoung's frustration emanate through the phone. "Johnny's been bothering me about this book. I have to get on with it," he explained. 

"Have you started?" Doyoung asked. "Maybe I could help?" There it was again, the underlying meaning of _'because I'd rather be with you than anywhere else even if we won't be doing anything.'_

"Well..." Jaehyun felt too embarrassed to admit he hadn't even written a single word. But maybe Doyoung knew him well enough to already tell what Jaehyun was going to say next. 

"You know what! We have to do something, so meet me at my office in half an hour. No excuses." 

"Doyoung, I just told—"

"I just told you no excuses."

Jaehyun sighed as Doyoung turned the call off. He contemplated for a few more minutes before deciding that maybe he should go to Doyoung. Besides, he didn't have any idea what he was going to write about anyways. Maybe, just maybe, Doyoung could inspire him. 

* * *

"You brought me to a furniture shop?" Jaehyun asked when they got out of the car. He was wary. 

"Yes. We're going to redecorate your house just so you can start this book already," Doyoung insisted. Jaehyun remembered what Doyoung said the other month about being successful and having a working environment that matched. 

"I don't think that's going to help too much," Jaehyun confessed. He kind of felt the reason why he wasn't able to do anything because _he_ was the problem, and not the place he was working in. 

"My mother said when you're in a slump, do either of these three things: change what you're doing for a while, change how you're doing what you're doing, or change where you're doing it. We're doing the third one." Jaehyun wanted to point out that they were technically going to do all three if he was going to use his time in helping decorate as well. 

" _Do_ , I won't be able to pay for this." 

Doyoung smiled at the nickname Jaehyun used for him. Jaehyun had accidentally called him that, and Doyoung surprisingly liked it. Jaehyun had called him that ever since. "Don't worry. Yuta is willing to give us a discount and Tae and I are sharing the rest. Take this as a birthday gift." Doyoung said, trying very hard to make Jaehyun agree.

"You're a month late," Jaehyun answered. He felt defeated as if knowing that he won’t be able to escape from Kim Doyoung today.

"Well, you never told me it was your birthday." 

Jaehyun was sure he saw a small pout but wasn't able to tease Doyoung about it when the latter started walking inside the shop, with Jaehyun having no other choice but to follow. 

* * *

Mark, Jeno, Yukhei, Yuta, Taeyong, and even Johnny were in his apartment when Jaehyun got home from the furniture shop. Doyoung forgot to mention to him that he invited everyone to work on Jaehyun’s apartment and everyone was eager to help. Mark had even started moving the things inside the apartment outside the hall. Jaehyun was just glad their neighbors were out of town for the week, so there wasn't anyone to disturb them. 

When almost all the things were outside, Yuta started laying down the plans he had. Doyoung and all the others listened. Jaehyun wanted to but he got distracted by Doyoung, by how he was so focused and how he concentrated on Yuta's every word, even asking Yuta sometimes to repeat himself just so that he would remember. Doyoung looked determined and Jaehyun felt his heart swell with the realization that Doyoung was doing this for him. 

* * *

They weren't able to finish fixing the apartment that day, but Yuta promised to go back the next day to finish it. Since Jaehyun and Mark's house was under renovation, they decided to stay at Taeyong's instead. 

"So you and Doyoung, huh?" Taeyong asked when he had finally gotten a hold of Jaehyun.

Jaehyun pretended to not hear and instead asked, "How did you end up dating Yuta if he's Doyoung's ex-boyfriend?" Taeyong sighed already knowing that Jaehyun will only answer his questions if he answered Jaehyun's questions first. 

"Doyoung introduced us when they broke up. We got along more than they did, and well, it all progressed from there." Jaehyun nodded. Taeyong stood across him, waiting for an answer to his question. 

"I don't know what's going on between us," Jaehyun answered. 

"But you like him?"

"Yes." 

"What about your memories?" 

"I'm letting them pass." 

"Have you told him?" 

"No."

"Will you tell him?"

Jaehyun didn't answer immediately. Instead, he stirred his cup of coffee letting the clink of the spoon to the walls of the cup be the only noise between them. 

"He'll find out eventually." Jaehyun resigned. 

Because Doyoung will. Maybe not from him, but someone will tell him. 

"I think he'd appreciate it more if you'd be the one to tell him," Taeyong said in a whisper as if knowing what Jaehyun was thinking. 

Jaehyun didn't respond or defend himself for thinking that it was better not to be the one to do it. He had known heartbreak, but he often didn't cause it. Causing someone's heart to break was just something he couldn't do. 

It was selfish but somehow he thought heartbreak would probably be more deadly than the happy memories building up in him. 

* * *

_We finished renovating my house the next day._

_Mark loved it. I did too. Even though I didn't tell you that I did, I thanked you, instead, for staying beside me all day, asking for my creative insight, for appeasing our brothers when something didn't go their way, for just..... being there._

_Lastly, I thanked you for not asking questions. I saw in your eyes that you knew that something was bothering me. Taeyong's parting words to me the night before kept replaying in my head and it distracted me the whole day._

_I wanted to tell you._

_But didn't tell you that day or any of the days after._

_I should've. I would've. I couldn't; not at all._

* * *

**_6995\. We talked and talked and talked and talked. You were sick with the flu, and I, trying to be a good friend (or just wanting to spend time with you), showed up at your apartment with the chicken soup ready (just needed heating). The thumbnail of my memory is still you opening up the door, a blanket wrapped around your shoulders._ **

_We never actually met casually. There was always a reason, somewhat. But that day there wasn't any performance, or poem-reading, or renovations, or book-signings. That day it was just you and me and chicken soup and a lot of talking._

_It felt very raw and intimate to be able to spend time with a person and just be able to talk. Where no one and nothing is pushing them to be together._

_That day I felt that we just wanted to be together for the sheer reason of just wanting to be together._

_That's when I realized that maybe I did want to be together with you._

* * *

**April 2**

"Doyoung!" Jeno peeked inside the room to see his brother on his bed, cocooned by his blanket. "There's food in the kitchen. You have to eat," Jeno demanded. 

"When I wake up." Doyoung croaked, tightening the blanket around him as if it was even possible. "You can't excuse yourself from not eating just because you’re sick," Jeno argued. 

"I'll eat later. I'm sleepy right now," Jeno sighed at his brother's response but decided to just leave him be. 

"Just promise me you'll eat?" Jeno said. 

_"Jen, we're going to be late,"_ a voice shouted from the living room. 

"Just go, Jen. Jaemin must be getting impatient. I can take care of myself." With the last reminder, Jeno said goodbye and left for school. 

Doyoung eventually just fell asleep.

* * *

Doyoung woke up a few minutes later, well at least he thought it was just minutes that passed. He felt hungry, but he was still feeling weak from his cold. Hoping that Jeno cooked soup, he padded his way out of his room, the blanket still wrapped around his shoulders. 

When he got to the kitchen, there was a knock on the door. Doyoung groaned. He waddled towards the door, and blinked in surprise when he saw Jaehyun standing on his doorstep. 

"Jeno called Mark and told him that you were sick. Mark was with me and he kind of implied that you hadn't been eating so I brought some mushroom soup," Jaehyun said, showing the bag he was holding. "We need to heat it, though," he stated, inviting himself in. Doyoung would've complained if it was anyone else, but he found himself smiling. He made a mental note that he probably needed to say thank you to his brother soon. 

"You do know how to cook right?" Doyoung asked. 

"It's just heating. How hard could it be?" Jaehyun shrugged. 

Doyoung decided to follow him to the kitchen just in case. Standing behind him and clutching onto his blanket, he watched Jaehyun fidget around his center island, opening and closing drawers awkwardly. 

"You know I usually cook well but I feel uneasy in another person's kitchen," Jaehyun explained, massaging the back of his neck. 

Doyoung just smiled but didn't move to help him. "Uh-huh," he said.

After a few minutes of Jaehyun trying and failing to move through the kitchen, Doyoung finally let out the laugh he was holding.

"You know you could help me, right?" Jaehyun huffed. He rolled his eyes when Doyoung laughed again. "Please?" Jaehyun added, hoping that might work. 

"Okay." Doyoung walked towards Jaehyun and poured the contents of the soup into the pot that was already settled on top of the stove — the only thing Jaehyun was able to do. 

"I never tried using an induction stove," Jaehyun admitted. 

"A lot of people haven't,” Doyoung reassured him. Jeno was the one that bought it. I only use it sometimes when Jeno isn't here to cook for me," Doyoung said, turning the stove on. 

"Guess our brothers have a lot in common. Mine cooks for me too," Jaehyun joked as Doyoung sat beside him. 

"I guess us working men don't have time anymore." 

* * *

The pot of soup sat between them. 

"So how did Mark and you meet?" Doyoung asked. 

"I was walking on my way home from my high school and saw him getting beat up under the bridge," Jaehyun explained. "When I got closer, I heard they were bullying him because he didn't have a family. So I called out to him and pretended to be his older brother. They knew I was faking it, but I went to Mark and hauled him up myself. I was pretending to scold him for being late to dinner. Eventually, they left him alone and they haven’t bothered him ever since," Jaehyun concluded. 

"That's the kindest thing I’ve heard anybody do," Doyoung said. 

Jaehyun shrugged, "It was the right thing to do."

* * *

Two pizza boxes scattered the living room. 

Doyoung laughed as Jaehyun recounted how he met Taeyong at the university cafeteria. 

"How did you meet at Taeyong?" Jaehyun asked. 

"Mom was a wedding planner. When I was a kid I would usually join her at her workplace. I met Taeyong at his sister's wedding. He was hiding in the kitchen, eating the cake." 

* * *

The food was gone, boxes cleaned. What was left was the two of them, sitting in the living room, the sun setting behind them. 

"I can't believe we’ve never met before even though we had so many mutual friends," Jaehyun remarked. 

"Well, between work and home I never really went out," Doyoung explained. 

Jaehyun smiled sadly."Me too." _Only for a whole different reason_ , Jaehyun thought. 

* * *

_Whenever I remember that day, only one thing goes to mind. That I'd want to do that with you for the rest of my life, despite the end of my life only being five memories away._

* * *

**_6996\. We started talking about more serious things and poured out the difficult things to talk about. It felt scary, like this was a process you needed to go through to get closer to the end. I didn’t know what was scarier: the process, or the end._ **

_You told me how hard it was to do your job. A CEO of a gaming company wasn't exactly the path you thought you’d take, but you wanted to do it for your brother. I told you how hard it was to pour yourself into a book and instead of feeling euphoric about it, you'd feel restless. We just poured everything out to each other that day, feelings one of them._

* * *

**April 18**

"How many are there left?" Mark asked, his voice shaking. 

"Five," Jaehyun answered honestly. 

Mark sighed, turning his head so that Jaehyun wouldn’t see him start to cry. 

"I'm sorry," Jaehyun said. 

Mark shook his head. "Don't say sorry for being happy," Mark said, wiping away the tears. "You are happy, right?" Mark asked. 

"Yes." 

"That's all that matters."

* * *

Jaehyun stayed awake after his conversation with Mark. He kept wondering if he was selfish for risking his life for his happiness. 

The phone rang, interrupting his thoughts. 

"Hey," the other line spoke as soon as Jaehyun answered the call.

"Doyoung, hey." Jaehyun wondered since when he was able to identify Doyoung's voice from others. Doyoung didn't say anything for a while but Jaehyun could still hear him breathing. 

"You alright?" Jaehyun asked. 

"Yeah," Doyoung answered. "I'm..." Doyoung stopped. 

"I was just looking for someone to talk to." Doyoung's voice hitched as he said this, as if he was crying, or was about to. 

"You can talk to me." Jaehyun positioned himself on the sofa to lie down on it. He took a pair of earphones from a drawer under the living room table, plugged them into his phone, and listened to Doyoung speak. 

"It's just… The game testers just got back to me and there are so many things that need to be changed. And I don't know, Jae. I feel so lost I don't know what to do," Doyoung admitted. 

"Maybe you should take a break," Jaehyun answered. 

"That's why I'm calling you." Doyoung laughed a little, but the sadness in his voice was still present. 

"Do you want to talk about something else?" Jaehyun asked. Doyoung stayed silent. Jaehyun waited for his decision, but he started humming a song, just to appease the awkward silence. 

"Have you ever felt like this? Questioning what you've promised to be doing the rest of your life?"

 _Every time. During every memory that passes._

"I never allowed myself to have a dream." _Because I couldn't._ Jaehyun thought. "But writing — writing was it for me." Jaehyun stopped not knowing how to continue. "It became a safe place, my little paradise. I poured myself into every word I wrote. It contained several pieces of me." Jaehyun proceeded to tell Doyoung about how all of the things he had written were inspired by his life. The first poem he wrote was about his mother. The next one was about the boy with the scar that he would always ride with on the morning bus. The first short story he wrote was about his 13th birthday and his first novel was loosely based on Mark's imagination surrounding their neighbor. 

"It's difficult to pour your whole life in your work and find yourself barely being appreciated. As if your whole life was placed under a microscope and the observer didn't like what it saw. It made me question why I was doing this in the first place," Jaehyun continued. 

"But you kept going?" Doyoung asked, the underlying "how did you do it?" twisted around his words. 

"I found someone who took a chance on me," Jaehyun admitted. "Johnny did me a favor. He worked with me, scolded me, and encouraged me until we were finally able to work on a book we both were proud of, and a book that the people didn't shy away from. That made me realize that I made the right choice in staying."

"Maybe you need someone to take a chance on you," Jaehyun suggested. 

"Would you?" Doyoung asked. 

"Yes."

* * *

_It was clear to both of us that I only meant to encourage you individually and your work. This was never about the “we” that we were creating. But as I wrote this, I realized that maybe we would have worked out if only we took a chance on our relationship, and we took a chance on each other._

_Maybe you did. But I was too busy pushing you away to notice._

* * *

**_6997\. You shared with me the success you had with your game launch, and I shared with you that I finally had an idea for a new book. Only without all the details._ **

_Success is happiness. But what makes it happier is sharing your successes._

_We were each other's first calls when we received good news. I thought that meant something._

* * *

**May 12**

Doyoung muttered thank-yous through the phone from the minute Jaehyun answered his call until it ended; as if Jaehyun saved his life. 

Maybe he did. 

If Jaehyun hadn't taken a chance on him, then maybe Doyoung wouldn't have had the motivation to continue all this. 

When Jaehyun got up after the call with Doyoung, he saw a sealed envelope on the table. Written on the back was his name (Mark's name was written there too, smaller, inside parenthesis, below where Jaehyun's name was). 

He opened it and two tickets for an opening of some sort fell out. 

In a letter inserted, it said: 

_Inviting you to my game launch. It'll be on the 27th. I hope both of you can come. See you then. -DY_

* * *

**May 27**

Jaehyun stood in front of Mark, adjusting his tie. It reminded him of when Mark was in high school attending his first dance. 

Only this time, Mark looked sadder. 

"We don’t have to go if you don’t want to," Jaehyun said, seeing Mark. 

Mark looked at the floor, shook his head, and smiled, pretending that he was okay. 

_Too late_ , Jaehyun thought. 

"We'll be fine. I'll be fine." Mark said. Jaehyun had badly wanted to believe him. So he nodded his head, agreeing with Mark as they readied themselves to go to Doyoung's game launch.

* * *

“I'm so glad you could make it." 

Mark didn't make eye contact with Doyoung when they arrived and when the latter made his way towards them, towards Doyoung. 

Instead, he walked away from them.

Jaehyun watched him walk away. 

"Are you alright?" Doyoung asked, seeing Jaehyun's melancholic stare towards Mark. 

"I'm just worried about Mark. He's been feeling down lately," Jaehyun answered. 

"I'm sure Jeno and the others will cheer him up," Doyoung said, getting two glasses of champagne from a passing tray and handing one to Jaehyun. The latter took the glass politely but didn't drink from it. 

Doyoung didn't either. 

Instead, Doyoung led them to a small patio at the back of his office where a few tables were set up. 

"I thought you might not want to be with all the noise," Doyoung said. 

"Won't they miss you inside?" Jaehyun asked worriedly. 

"They can take care of themselves," Doyoung answered. 

They stayed quiet for a while, pretending to drink off their glasses of champagne. The silence someone didn't make it awkward, as if just the presence of each other was enough for them, no words required. 

"I have something to tell you," they said in unison. 

They both let out a relieved laugh as if what they wanted to say to each other was tensing them up. 

"You go first," Doyoung prompted.

"Well, I finally have a new book idea," Jaehyun said. "It came to me before April ended." 

"That's great!" Doyoung cooed. "Have you started?" he asked. 

"Yes. I've plotted it and wrote a fourth of the book already."

"You must be inspired. What's it about?" 

"I'm not telling you."

"What? Why not?" 

"Because you're a fan. You might post the details on a Jung Jaehyun blog-site or something," Jaehyun teased. 

"First of all, I can't believe you don't trust me enough to keep your secret," Doyoung huffed. "And second, if I knew any blog-sites, I would've posted tons of your pictures already, " he added. 

Jaehyun smiled. He trusted Doyoung, but he didn't want to spoil anything yet, especially if the book was going to be about him. 

"So what did you want to tell me?" Jaehyun asked. 

Instead of answering, Doyoung looked around, eyeing all the people around them. 

"I think it's better if we talk somewhere quieter," Doyoung said, putting his untouched glass of champagne down and leading Jaehyun somewhere else. 

They walked a couple of minutes away from the bustle of the party before they found themselves at a small park beside the company's parking lot. 

"Here. This looks like a perfect place," Doyoung said, facing Jaehyun. 

"There's something I needed to talk to you about."

"What is it?"

* * *

_I lived my whole life planning every second. When you don't have too much to live, every second counts. In all my preparation, nothing was able to prepare me for what happened next._

_I should have known that with you, Kim Doyoung, nothing was predictable._

* * *

_**6998\. The day you told me you loved me, I felt happy. I guess this is what it feels like to be loved.** _

_'I love you' is such a fragile thing. Every syllable sharp on the tips of our tongues. When we say it, we release it to the world for someone to hold on to it. When nobody does, it falls and it breaks._

_Media and television shows had masked its importance. People would just mutter it everywhere, say it to everyone, but when it is said sincerely, in the privacy of just you and me, it creates a chasm. A hole deep enough to drown yourself in with the fantasy that we could happen, but with a reality that to achieve that fantasy, we have to work hard for it._

_When you told me you loved me, we fell through that chasm. The problem was, you were the only one that drowned in bliss. I tried to swim away from it._

_I'm sorry, Kim Doyoung. I was more scared of dying than of losing you._

* * *

**March 27**

Something stood between them. Something uncertain, and fragile. Words haven't been said, but it was as if a show was playing in front of them, detailing what would happen to them. 

They were scared. Uncertain. And fragile.

"There's something I needed to talk to you about," Doyoung started. He rubbed his palms together not knowing how to start. 

Doyoung prided himself on being confident, especially with his words. He always knew what to say in every specific situation. He studied every scenario to be prepared in case he found himself in one. 

But confessing his feelings for someone was something, no matter how many preparations, he couldn't ready himself for. 

This was new territory, a cliff he didn't dare jump off just in case nothing was waiting below, but seeing Jaehyun in front of him and remembering every memory they shared, he somehow wanted to jump. 

"What is it?" Jaehyun asked. 

Doyoung took a deep breath. This was it. There was no coming back from after this. He wanted to do this. _He needed to do this._

Doyoung readied himself and recited inside his head the speech he'd been practicing. He looked at Jaehyun again, prodding him to continue.

"I like you," Doyoung blurted out. "Heck, I might even love you." _That wasn't how he practiced saying that._

His heart was pounding, both from the clumsiness of all that and the fact that he couldn't tell what Jaehyun was thinking. 

Jaehyun looked scared. 

Doyoung kept thinking about what to say to appease the situation. 

"You don't have to tell me anything," Doyoung started. "I just wanted to let it out." he started rubbing his palms against each other again and looked everywhere but at Jaehyun. 

Jaehyun was still quiet. 

"I messed up didn't I?" Doyoung asked, a huff of laughter coming out. 

Jaehyun shook his head. "No," he said. "It's just... this is all too sudden," Jaehyun answered. 

Doyoung would have pointed out that it had been obvious, at least for him, that something was going on between them and a confession was something Jaehyun should've seen coming. Well, of course, there was the fact that maybe he read into this whole thing too much and it wasn't mutual. 

"I don't know what to say," Jaehyun added, as if oblivious to Doyoung's inner turmoil. 

Doyoung stopped himself from saying that when someone told you they love you, you either answer by saying you love them back, or the other option that was less satisfactory. 

Instead, he said, "You don't have to say anything. Well, at least not now." 

Jaehyun looked at him curiously. 

"I understand this might be too much for you so I'll allow you to let it sink in," Doyoung explained. "Just call me when you have an answer."

They stared at each other for a few more breaths before Doyoung walked away, leaving Jaehyun to think about an answer for a question Doyoung didn’t even know he asked. 

Jaehyun meanwhile stood still, his heart pounding. He started thinking of how to answer Doyoung, because as far as Jaehyun knew, Doyoung didn't ask him anything. 

What had he wanted? What did he need? 

_What did he want to hear?_

Jaehyun didn’t say anything, but he ran towards Doyoung, grabbing him by the wrist and turning him around. 

Jaehyun kissed Doyoung that day. The only thing he thought to do. He wanted Doyoung to feel that, _yes_ , he loved him too. Only Jaehyun couldn’t say it, not yet. 

“Well, that’s enough for an answer, I guess,” Doyoung whispered, smiling. 

Jaehyun just smiled and kissed him again. 

* * *

_Like expensive gifts, I love yous were easy to accept but not easy to return._

_I realized then how much I hated the movies, and the tv dramas at how easy they portrayed saying I love you to someone was._

_Because my lack of I love you back painstakingly made me realize that it wasn't easy to say._

* * *

**_6999\. I never said I loved you back the whole night we were together. You, meanwhile, kept pouring it out like sugar in tea. (I always liked my tea sweet.) The whole night made me forget, but when morning came, I knew I needed to remember. I needed to remember that I had to leave you, because I couldn’t give you years or months. I only had days left, and you didn’t deserve that._ **

_Goodbyes, on the other hand, were neither easy to accept nor easy to give. I had two choices that day: to stay and love you, or to give you a jumpstart on getting over me and leave. By now you probably already know what I chose._

* * *

**May 28**

Jaehyun was awake the whole morning. He didn’t even know if he was able to get some sleep. There was something grating on his heart, as his something was pulverizing it into little pieces. Everything about the night before was beautiful. It was his and Doyoung’s moment, just theirs to share. Every kiss, every touch embedded itself in Jaehyun’s memory, and he was too caught up in the moment to even recognize the flashing white light. It felt like he had never seen the light for a while. 

Jaehyun woke up to the light, or at least to the memory of it. He never experienced two happy moments, happy enough to plaster themselves in his mind, in one day. That scared him, because whatever happened today would be his last memory. 

He hadn’t even told Doyoung about it. 

Jaehyun kept thinking of leaving while Doyoung was asleep. He was almost successful the first time he attempted to leave, but then he heard the front door open. If ever he did leave, Jeno would see him, and he really didn’t want Jeno asking him questions, especially the questions about why he was leaving in the first place. 

Doyoung stirred beside him. “‘Morning, love,” Doyoung said in a slur of syllables. Jaehyun looked away, feeling the grating in his heart continue. 

_This was too cruel._

“Do you want some breakfast? I can cook for you,” Doyoung asked, already forcing himself to wake up. 

Jaehyun gulped nervously before saying, “I actually have to go.” 

“Hmm?” 

“I promised Mark I’d help him with something today,” Jaehyun lied. 

Doyoung stared at him, then nodded. “Okay. I’ll see you later, then.” 

Jaehyun nodded, kissing Doyoung’s shoulder, as he stood up and readied to leave. Doyoung watched him change, eventually falling asleep again. 

* * *

“You didn’t come home last night,” Mark said when he saw Jaehyun lounging on the living room couch looking at nothing in particular. He had a guess as to where Jaehyun was, and what he was doing, and seeing the love bite on his neck just confirmed his suspicions. 

“How many are there left?” There was a quiver in Mark’s voice, not wanting to hear the answer, but needing to know it. He walked closer to Jaehyun.

“One,” Jaehyun answered quietly. 

That was the first time Jaehyun saw Mark cry. 

Mark prided himself on being impervious, not letting anything affect him. He always told Jaehyun that he experienced too much hardship in life already and nothing else could compare to it. 

Maybe this did. 

“Can you promise me something?” Mark asked when he had calmed down. “Promise me that I’ll be there when you die.” 

They had never talked about it, never voiced it out — the idea of dying. To both of them, it seemed like it was still so far away, so they never bothered to think about it. Jaehyun realized then that he had been selfish. All those months thinking about Doyoung, he had started to forget about Mark. 

“I don’t have to be your last memory, but I want to be there when you experience it,” Mark said. 

Jaehyun nodded. “I promise I won’t leave your side from now on.” he said. 

_Today was cruel._

* * *

Jaehyun ignored Doyoung. He didn’t respond to messages and he didn’t answer calls. Doyoung left voicemails; Jaehyun listened to all of them. 

_‘I should’ve assumed that you were busy. Call me back when you have the time.’_ Jaehyun had no time left. 

_‘Maybe I’m just paranoid, but did I say anything last night. Why aren’t you answering?’_ Jaehyun found himself crying. Doyoung didn’t deserve to blame himself, because this was all on him. This was his mistake, his wrong-doings. Doyoung shouldn’t be the one taking in the blame. 

_‘We probably shouldn’t have rushed things. I’m sorry, Jae. I’m sorry.’_ They said that if you repeat something - a word, a phrase - many times, it will eventually lose its meaning. Jaehyun repeated _I’m sorry_ the whole night, until he found it didn’t mean anything to him anymore. He repeated it until he found it easy to say, not finding the pain he had felt when he had used to say it. 

Jaehyun had known heartbreak, but only then was he able to experience the heartbreak that numbed you to the core. He felt powerful, like he could say everything without feeling hurt. 

As he messaged Doyoung about meeting the next day, he kept repeating _I’m sorry_ in his head over and over again, so he wouldn’t feel the pain of goodbye as he hit send. 

* * *

**May 29**

Doyoung stared at Jaehyun, bewildered at what he was hearing. 

"You know when someone tells you they love you, you don't expect goodbye as an answer." Jaehyun bit his lip as Doyoung sputtered out his disappointments at him. 

Jaehyun had known heartbreak, but he never knew this kind of heartbreak. 

The heartbreak that wanted to go back and fix this, to say sorry and okay, “Maybe this wasn't the right choice.” It was the heartbreak that wanted so badly to fix things but couldn’t. 

What Jaehyun knew though was that it was too late to change anything. He had one memory left. 

He had exactly four people in his life right now that made him happy. Even if he said goodbye to Doyoung, there would still be the other three. 

There would still be Mark who made up most of his memories.

Mark who only wanted what was best for him. 

Mark who was the reason he was saying goodbye to the person he had learned to love. 

"Why?" Doyoung asked, arms crossed in front of him. His lower lip was quivering and his eyes were glassy. Jaehyun knew he was going to cry. 

He somehow wanted to leave because he didn't want to see Doyoung cry. 

"We're not working out." Jaehyun lied, a very bad lie at that. 

Doyoung guffawed. 

"When in all the memories we had didwe not work out?" Doyoung asked. 

"In everything." 

Doyoung stepped back. 

"Please tell me you're lying."

_ Yes, I am. I've been lying since the first goodbye _ , is what Jaehyun wanted to say. 

"I'm sorry," is what he said instead. Jaehyun felt something stab at his heart, enough to make him inhale sharply. He wondered if he hadn’t repeated it enough.  _ Why does it hurt now that I say it?  _ he thought. 

Doyoung stepped forward. Jaehyun stepped back. 

One pushed, the other pulled away. 

Jaehyun couldn't give Doyoung the satisfaction of him changing his mind; even just a little hope of it. 

Because he wouldn't. He couldn't. He didn't have the time. 

"Jae, maybe we could talk about this." Doyoung was already crying. 

"We can't," Jaehyun said, firmly, sure enough, so that he was even able to convince himself. 

Doyoung breathed in. 

They stayed quiet for a few breaths, with Jaehyun debating whether he should say something or he should just go. He had already said his piece anyways. 

Doyoung inhaled sharply. He had stopped crying. He wiped away the tears as if embarrassed that he even had them. 

“God, and I believed you could love me back,” Doyoung said. He sounded angry, Jaehyun noted. He should be, Jaehyun thought. 

Jaehyun would be if he was in Doyoung’s shoes. Jaehyun wanted to tell him he did love him, but decided against it. 

_ What was that going to fix? He was dying anyway.  _

"Are you sure about this?" Doyoung asked, after a few seconds. 

"Yes." 

"Are you happy about this?" 

_ No. No, he wasn't.  _

"Yes."

* * *

_ Happiness is such a vague term. Sadness is even vaguer. But we put so much importance on the word and the feeling of happiness that we pursue everything about it.  _

_ Happiness for me is my little brother the first time he realized he was going to have a family, a home. Happiness was Johnny getting the best news about my first book as if my success was equally his. Happiness is Taeyong, on stage doing what he had always wanted to do.  _

_ Happiness is you, Kim Doyoung. Your smile, your eyes, and even the way you laugh.  _

_ Happiness is meeting you, learning about you, and loving you. _

* * *

_**7000.** _

_ My last memory would probably be not of you. I don't know what my last memory would be but it's the only one left.  _

_ I knew that I would die early. When I finally had an understanding of the puzzle forming that was my life and tried to look at it, I noticed it was small. I started counting the empty ridges where the memories will be placed and realized that I was missing some spaces. I complained to my parents when I found out, saying there was a mistake, that I couldn't possibly have only 7000 blank spaces I could put my memories on. I had so much to do, dreams to accomplish and I couldn't accomplish those with only 7000. But I did.  _

_ I guess when you know that you won't get a lot, you make the most of your memories. I'm just sorry, I couldn't let you make the most of yours.  _

_ When I was younger I always wondered how it would feel to have my last memory. Would I even remember it? Would the universe give me enough time to look through all the memories I created? Or would I just breathe my last breath when I encountered my last memory?  _

_ That's a nice way to die, isn't it? To be happy even if it was the end.  _

_ So this book is for you, love. A way to say thank you and goodbye, and most importantly, sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't stay for long enough.  _

* * *

**June 1**

“I got the copy of the book already,” Johnny said through the phone. 

“Have you started reading it yet?” Jaehyun asked. 

“No. But I feel like I know what it’s about. It’s about Doyoung.” 

Jaehyun didn’t answer and that was enough of an answer for Johnny. 

“When are you leaving?” Johnny asked. 

“In a few minutes. I’m just packing the last of my things,” Jaehyun answered. 

“I’ll take care of Mark, Jae. You don’t have to worry about him too much, and I’ll take care of this book.” Johnny said. Jaehyun heard him sniff but didn’t mention it. Johnny wasn’t the type of person to show his feelings. Jaehyun knew he wouldn’t appreciate being called out. “I’ll miss you,” Johnny said a few minutes later. “Safe voyage, Jung Jaehyun,” he added before ending the call. 

“Jae.” 

Jaehyun looked up from where he was packing his things. Mark and he were going to their childhood home to spend a few more days with each other. There was also where Jaehyun wanted to be buried, beside their parents. 

“Yeah?” Jae asked. 

“There’s someone here to see you,” Mark said. He stepped out of the way for Jaehyun to see who was there. Doyoung stood there, eyes rimmed red. 

_ He had been crying,  _ Jaehyun thought. 

“I’ll be in the kitchen,” Mark said before he walked out from the two of them. 

“What are you doing here?” Jaehyun asked. Doyoung stared at the walls he had decorated a few months ago, and then at Jaehyun’s bed, where his bags were placed. 

“Are you moving out?” Doyoung asked. 

“Mark and I are going to the countryside,” Jaehyun answered. “For a  _ vacation, _ ” he lied. Doyoung just nodded. 

“Well, I’m glad I caught you before you left,” Doyoung said. Jaehyun hoped he hadn’t. 

“Do, I really need to go,” Jaehyun said, already zipping up his bag after jamming all the other clothes he hasn’t packed. He’ll probably just fix that later in the car. 

Doyoung nodded. “I really need to tell you something.” he said, firm in his place. 

Jaehyun stared at him. He wanted to be confident too that he didn’t want to hear what Doyoung wanted to say but it broke his heart to see Doyoung so broken in front of him. He tried to hold himself strong but Jaehyun knew he wasn’t. 

“Ok.” Jaehyun answered. 

Doyoung walked towards him. He stood in front of him, their eyes directly parallel to each other. Jaehyun never even noticed before how close their heights were, though he was a few centimeters taller. He couldn’t believe that even on the last day he’d be spending with Doyoung he was still learning so many things about him. It broke his heart, how there are so many more things he could learn but he didn’t have time to learn them. 

“Jae…” Doyoung started. “I love you.” 

“Doyoung,” Jaehyun wanted to stop him, wanted to curse him. Why was it so easy for Doyoung to say _ ‘I love you’ _ to him? 

“Jae, just listen to me,” Doyoung said. He cupped Jaehyun’s face in his hands and willed Jaehyun to look at him. “I love you and I don’t regret us. You broke my heart but all I remember is the happy memories.” Doyoung rubbed a thumb over his cheekbone. “I want to spend more days with you, no matter how long those are.”

Jaehyun felt his heart beating harder now, wondering if Doyoung knew. 

“I don’t know why you’re leaving me. I’ll probably be angry at you for leaving, but I promise that I will never regret being with you,” Doyoung said. “You made this year worthwhile.” Doyoung kissed him then, feeling confident, willing Jaehyun to stay. He hoped that in his kisses, Jaehyun would understand that Doyoung didn’t want him to leave, that he wanted him even more now that he wanted to leave. 

Every kiss was insistent, pleading,  _ desperate.  _

Jaehyun took hold of Doyoung’s wrist and gently pushed him away. 

“You have to go,” Jaehyun said. 

Doyoung stared at him, on the brink of crying again. His face looked defeated and maybe he felt that way too, because he couldn’t make Jaehyun stay. 

“I’m sorry, Do,” Jaehyun said.

Doyoung nodded in understanding and walked away, quietly. Jaehyun’s heart ached thinking that he hadn’t been able to say he loved Doyoung back again. 

* * *

**PRESENT**

Doyoung didn't realize he'd been crying until the book fell off his grasp and drops of his tears landed on the back of his hands. He didn't realize he'd been crying so much that Taeyong and Yuta had gone back to the room to calm him down.

He didn't realize he had more tears to cry until he saw the last page of the book, a messy scribble of words penned on it with a purple pen. 

He hated purple. 

The scribble read,  _ "I left you a gift. One last thing I can offer you. I know sorry doesn't suffice, but I hope this can be enough to help you remember me, no matter how heartbreaking the memory is." _

"I have to go home," Doyoung unknowingly said when he realized just what exactly the gift was that Jaehyun left for him. 

"Do you want us to drive you?" one of his friends asked. 

There were so many reasons to say no. So many reasons why he needed to do this alone. 

But he needed to get home and he wasn't calm enough to drive on his own. 

"Yes please," he whispered. Yuta helped him up to his feet while they followed Taeyong to the parking lot. 

Jeno was home when they got there. A questioning look etched on his face when he saw his brother. Jeno was never used to seeing Doyoung cry because Doyoung never did. 

When he did, he never let anyone see it. 

Mark was there too. 

Doyoung ignored them, letting Yuta and Taeyong explain to him. He had one goal and that was to get to his room and open the brown package. 

When he finally got a hold of it, he suddenly stopped. Doyoung was scared. He was scared that if he opened it he'd never learn to be happy again, because during the last months, Jaehyun had been his happiness. Jaehyun filled his memories, fitting himself too much into Doyoung's life that when he looked back on the happy memories of his life, it would be the sound of Jaehyun's laughter, the way his eyes sparkled when he smiled or the way his brow furrowed in concentration. His memories made up of the way Jaehyun said his words and how those words made him feel. 

It was made up of how Jaehyun's hand felt on his skin, how he smelled, how he tasted. 

It was all Jaehyun. 

Jung Jaehyun had infiltrated his happy thoughts and Doyoung was scared that when he opened this gift, he'd only know of heartbreak. 

Doyoung opened it anyways, because having something of Jaehyun, no matter how sad it would make him feel, is better than having nothing of him. 

There was a letter. And a frame. A blank one. 

Doyoung guessed what it contained. 

He opened the letter. 

_ Dear Doyoung,  _

_ If you are reading this letter, it means you know what happened and you already know that I won't be there, or anywhere.  _

_ First of all, I'm sorry I gave you a crappy goodbye. I laid on my hospital bed thinking of so many ways to redo it, or not do it. But it was for the best; well at least for me, it was. But you always told me to think of myself once in a while.  _

_ Second... I got my answer of what happens when you receive your last memory. You are given a few days. Your health deteriorates one day after the other until you can no longer lift a finger. Mark is the one writing this letter for me, right now.  _

_ I kept reliving my last memory. My last memory of you. In my room, where you pleaded with me to stay. I should’ve said goodbye, but I didn’t, and you still insisted that you loved me even if I pushed you away. You didn’t hate me. I expected you would. You said you couldn’t hate me, not really and that you’d actually love me, painstakingly love me, for a while. That was worse because I deserve to be hated, but you chose to love me instead.  _

_ But it made me happy to see you again for one last time.  _

_ So I'm leaving you one last thing. My memories and my permission for you to view them.  _

_ Goodbye, Doyoung.  _

_ I love you. _

* * *

It was always said that permitting someone to view your memories was the greatest symbol of love, because your memories were the only things that were solely yours, and sharing them with someone else was not only intimate, but incredibly trusting. 

Doyoung picked up the frame and one by one the puzzle pieces came to life. Doyoung saw Jaehyun's first birthday, the day he wrote his first poem. He saw the high school graduations, the first time his manuscript got approved. Doyoung saw the day he met Taeyong, and Johnny, and the day he took Mark in. 

And then he saw himself, in Jaehyun's eyes. Their first meeting, the bakery, Jeno's performance. 

Doyoung saw how he was littered across Jaehyun's memories. How somehow Jaehyun's memories of him tied together Jaehyun's memories from before him. 

He saw the memory of their first kiss. The feeling of him underneath Jaehyun's fingertips, the smell of him, the taste of him. 

All of it, there. Even the sad ones they had of each other, because no matter how sad it was, a memory with them is a happy memory, because being with each other was enough. 

Doyoung didn't realize he had continued to cry until a knock at the door called his attention. 

"There's a guy named Johnny wanting to speak to you." Jeno stood at the doorway unsure until Doyoung beckoned him inside and took the phone from him.

"I made some hot chocolate in the kitchen. Just come out when you need some," Jeno said. "The others left already. They said you might need privacy." He paused for a second, debating what to say next. "And the book is at the table too," he remarked. "I didn't read it," he amended. 

Doyoung wanted to tell him that he could read it, but he couldn't find the strength to speak. 

"Hello," he said dryly through the phone. 

"Hey there. It's Johnny. I don't know if you remember me, but I was Jaehyun's editor."

_ Was. _

"Anyways, I heard you read the book already and Jaehyun left you the choice of deciding whether or not to print it for distribution," Johnny explained. "It's a very personal book, and I would understand if you would want to keep it for yourself."

Doyoung was tempted to, because the book was for him, and it felt wrong letting other people read something that was supposed to be theirs. 

But Doyoung also knew that Jaehyun would've wanted it released; he wouldn't have written a book about it otherwise. Doyoung also knew it was his fault anyway. He encouraged him to write about his life, and he did. 

"You can publish it," he just said. 

Because Doyoung wanted everyone to know Jung Jaehyun the way he got to know him: honest to a fault, a little lazy but determined, unfailingly supportive of the people he cared about, and loving, very much so. 

“Jeno?” Doyoung called. Jeno poked his head through the open doorway of Doyoung’s room. “Do you want to go out tonight, with Mark? We can watch a movie or something.” 

“Can we go ice-skating after?” Jeno asked. 

“Sure. Whatever you want,” Doyoung said. 

“Okay, I’ll call him,” Jeno said. Doyoung heard him scurry away. 

Doyoung was determined to take care of Mark too. That would be what Jaehyun wanted. 

**Fin.**

**Author's Note:**

> If you're reading this means you got to the end of this story. Sorry if I made you sad but I really hoped you like it.
> 
> Follow me on twitter (@ninethe8thgirl) if you want to. I write lumark aus, and also have an angsty jaeyong au.


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